Have you heard the recent brouhaha over “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” and the “Baby It’s Cold Outside”? Apparently any one can find any reason to be offended by any thing these days. Small wonder some people can make it through the grocery without having a nervous breakdown. But I digress. Already.
Suffice it to say if Rudolph or Dean Martin offend you, it may be best to stop reading right now, because I’m about to take issue with some of the Christmas songs that mark the most wonderful time of the year. If you're up to it — and I think you are — let’s get right to it, and take a look at a few songs worthy of the disc jockey dustbin. Of the thousands of Christmas songs available, these are the ones that are on every time I get in the car or turn on the radio at home. They’re the reason I’ve created multiple Christmas playlists of my own — the reason I'm grateful for apps like iTunes, Spotify, and Pandora.
To be clear, I don’t condone banning much of anything, but I wouldn’t mind squashing these songs from the airwaves.
Here they are in no particular order — and don’t forget to direct all hate mail to email@example.com.
First up is the multi-artist collaboration and international hit from the early 80s, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” The song was written as a knee-jerk reaction to reports of a famine in Ethiopia. Recorded in one day, it brought together some of the most popular names in British and Irish music at that time. The song brought us such classic lines as, “there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas”, “the only water flowing is the sting of bitter tears,” and “the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.”
It’s a quantifiable yuletide guilt trip. Thanks but no thanks.
Next up, I’d take the ax to “Blue Christmas” — especially the Porky Pig version. If you’d like to argue for retaining other versions of the song, I’m open to discussing it, as long as you bring the bacon.
“Santa Baby” is another song I’d like to see on the Christmas chopping block, especially Madonna’s nails-down-the-chalkboard version. Ugh. Talk about your gold diggers. Doesn’t she know there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas?
Moving right along, another song that needs to go is, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”. This one offends my sensibilities in the same way that Christmas Vacation’s cousin Eddie offends me when he arrives at Clark’s house in his tenement on wheels. Christmas calls for a little decorum after all, and there’s no decorum in Santa and his reindeer trampling drunk Grandma. Worse yet is the family’s blatant disregard for her demise. Heartless. Especially at Christmas.
Last up is Mariah Carey’s chart-busting, “All I Want for Christmas is You.” Don’t get me wrong. It was great the first 759,000 times I heard it. Now that it’s been played millions, maybe billions, of times, I don’t care what she wants for Christmas. As for me, all I want is to get through the season without hearing that song. That’s right, I said it.
There you have it — five of the holiday’s worst songs. At least they aren't the clanging chimes of doom.
Merry Christmas, everyone!